So I was thinking about how isolated I am today. Not only I, but it seems that most eating-disordered people tend to isolate themselves. Surprisingly, I wasn't too bothered by the thought. What did bother me is the fact that I wish I were surrounded by like-minded people.

One of my very best friends used to be bulimic. We shared our eating disorders, and while she still struggles with it, she's not even close to the mindset that I'm still in. I wish I had real life friends that shared my struggles, problems, goals, and thoughts. I love the online community, but it's not quite the same.

Thinspo: Gaga from her "Telephone" video:

Showers...

...at 4 am are always nice. Especially after sex. The only part I hate about it, is that it's 4 am. I should be asleep. But instead, I'm sitting in bed next to my fiance, (we'll call him 'J') writing this, listening to him breathe while he sleeps. I should be laying next to him sound asleep with absolutely no worries about whether or not he loves me. I should be feeling secure in how much he loves me. But I'm not.

I hate myself. That causes me to be unable to trust people, because I find it ridiculous to even try to believe that I'm "lovable". As much evidence as there is to the contrary, I refuse to believe that anyone would ever want me or love me. And yet, he does. He tells me everyday. He makes it known to everyone. He's good to me. Even when I'm difficult. But still...I pick everything apart. "He doesn't kiss me enough. He doesn't show enough affection. He doesn't look at me enough." Yes, those things have gone through my head. And then I stop and think, "I'm getting aggravated and mopey because... he doesn't look at me enough?" That's the DEFINITION of childish and insecure. I keep trying to reason with myself because I don't want him to feel like he's doing something wrong. I don't want to "pick" at him. I don't want to cause an argument. But I wish I could silence the insecurity and the childishness. I wish I wasn't so threatened by the thought of being unlovable, just waiting for the day when he walks out of my life forever. And these insecurities are the very thing that would cause it, that would make me unlovable. It's a downward spiral, and I'm fighting it as hard as I can.

I wish I could love myself enough to let him love me.

Thinspo:

xoxo

I left my heart on the dance floor...

Well apparently I have a knack for screwing things up. My fiance now feels the need to "think about life" because of me. And I've only been living with him for 2 weeks! Wtf? What is wrong with me? Why do I have to be so difficult? Ugh. I hate dealing with drama. Sometimes I just hate dealing with people in general. Which is why I choose to spend the majority of my time alone. I don't feel the slightest need to be around people (especially people my own age), to put on a fake smile and pretend to be interested in what they're saying. And it has absolutely nothing to do with any type of superiority complex. I just get tired of people. And their shit.

I'm so tired of the ups and downs of emotions. I wish I was one of those people who could just shrug off emotions and think rationally about things without effort. People who have themselves in check and under control. I've only known a few people like that in my life, and I've always envied them. I've always watched in awe at how they handle themselves, and their circumstances. Even very tough circumstances. I wish I were as controlled as they.

Anyway, I suppose I just needed to vent a little. I'll post thinspo later little anas. Stay strong <3

"Trust can be fixed like a broken mirror...but you always see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." Or something like that :)

Well, it's been forever since I posted anything, and that is due to the fact that my life has pretty much completely changed in a matter of weeks. I've moved (thank God, literally), and I'm living with my fiance states away from my family. I miss them though, but I guess that's how it always is. You can't stand them when you live with them, but once you move out you miss them like crazy. I guess it's probably not like that for everyone, but it is for me.

Anyway, my eating has been perfection for the last few weeks. I've been a very good girl, and I'm actually proud of myself. I feel completely in control, and it's the best feeling in the world. My fiance has actually been making it alot easier on me as well. He doesn't buy junk food, he lets me get whatever I want, and he doesn't try to monitor my eating. It bothers him that I don't eat, but he doesn't say much about it.

I hope you'll all let me know how you're doing.

Stay strong little anas <3

1/19/2010

Find your freedom in the music.

Stay strong little anas.

Swines

Hello little anas.

So I found out that my boyfriend is okay, but the Doctors think he has strep, but they did tests for swine-flu, just in case. That's not even the reason he went to the hospital, they just happened to notice it. But the point is, he's okay. And I'm semi-relieved. I feel like its not over yet though. He's still not feeling well, and what if it gets worse?? Ugh. I guess I can't think about it too much. I just hope he's completely well soon.

I'm sitting here watching Food Network...and I have no idea why. I haven't binged, and I don't plan to...soooo I dunno why I'm watching this. I'm still doing well with my restricting, and I'm really happy about it. Things are really starting to look up for me. I have grand plans that are all falling into place :)

I think I'm going to go make some coffee. Stay strong. I'll edit with thinspo later.

Snow

I'm so sorry for the lack of updates lovelies.

Updates: The Holidays were crap, as expected. Not necessarily because of the food (I actually did quite well), but more so because my family can't get through one day without arguing. *Siiiiiigh* So I'm kind of glad it's over, though I find that thought really sad, since I've always loved Christmas.

Anyway, lately I've been doing marvelously with my restricting. I've found that when I put myself in a certain mindset, it comes so easily. When I decide beforehand that the answer is always "NO" when I say to myself, "One cookie wouldn't hurt..." or "Just a few chips...", I find that I do much better, and though its always in the back of my head, my immediate thoughts are not SO consumed with food. I just don't allow myself to think about it so much. Now, I'm well aware that this will probably only take me so far, and that eventually it might not work that way for me anymore, but for now, I'm sticking with what works.

I haven't eaten anything today yet, though I can smell breakfast food being cooked downstairs. It smells really good, which is why I refuse to leave my room until I'm sure all of its been eaten by my family. I'm not really thinking about it too much at the moment though because my mind is preoccupied with other things. My boyfriend called me this morning to tell me that he's going to the hospital. Something bad happened. He told me to just wait for him to call me and let me know what's going on, but it makes me really anxious. If anything ever happened to him, I really don't know what I would do. He's really the only person that knows who I am, and loves me anyway. He's so good to me. I hope he's okay.

I hope you all are doing well. Let me know, I'd love to hear from you...whoever you may be :)

Thinspo for you: