I left my heart on the dance floor...

Well apparently I have a knack for screwing things up. My fiance now feels the need to "think about life" because of me. And I've only been living with him for 2 weeks! Wtf? What is wrong with me? Why do I have to be so difficult? Ugh. I hate dealing with drama. Sometimes I just hate dealing with people in general. Which is why I choose to spend the majority of my time alone. I don't feel the slightest need to be around people (especially people my own age), to put on a fake smile and pretend to be interested in what they're saying. And it has absolutely nothing to do with any type of superiority complex. I just get tired of people. And their shit.

I'm so tired of the ups and downs of emotions. I wish I was one of those people who could just shrug off emotions and think rationally about things without effort. People who have themselves in check and under control. I've only known a few people like that in my life, and I've always envied them. I've always watched in awe at how they handle themselves, and their circumstances. Even very tough circumstances. I wish I were as controlled as they.

Anyway, I suppose I just needed to vent a little. I'll post thinspo later little anas. Stay strong <3

"Trust can be fixed like a broken mirror...but you always see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." Or something like that :)

Well, it's been forever since I posted anything, and that is due to the fact that my life has pretty much completely changed in a matter of weeks. I've moved (thank God, literally), and I'm living with my fiance states away from my family. I miss them though, but I guess that's how it always is. You can't stand them when you live with them, but once you move out you miss them like crazy. I guess it's probably not like that for everyone, but it is for me.

Anyway, my eating has been perfection for the last few weeks. I've been a very good girl, and I'm actually proud of myself. I feel completely in control, and it's the best feeling in the world. My fiance has actually been making it alot easier on me as well. He doesn't buy junk food, he lets me get whatever I want, and he doesn't try to monitor my eating. It bothers him that I don't eat, but he doesn't say much about it.

I hope you'll all let me know how you're doing.

Stay strong little anas <3

1/19/2010

Find your freedom in the music.

Stay strong little anas.

Swines

Hello little anas.

So I found out that my boyfriend is okay, but the Doctors think he has strep, but they did tests for swine-flu, just in case. That's not even the reason he went to the hospital, they just happened to notice it. But the point is, he's okay. And I'm semi-relieved. I feel like its not over yet though. He's still not feeling well, and what if it gets worse?? Ugh. I guess I can't think about it too much. I just hope he's completely well soon.

I'm sitting here watching Food Network...and I have no idea why. I haven't binged, and I don't plan to...soooo I dunno why I'm watching this. I'm still doing well with my restricting, and I'm really happy about it. Things are really starting to look up for me. I have grand plans that are all falling into place :)

I think I'm going to go make some coffee. Stay strong. I'll edit with thinspo later.

Snow

I'm so sorry for the lack of updates lovelies.

Updates: The Holidays were crap, as expected. Not necessarily because of the food (I actually did quite well), but more so because my family can't get through one day without arguing. *Siiiiiigh* So I'm kind of glad it's over, though I find that thought really sad, since I've always loved Christmas.

Anyway, lately I've been doing marvelously with my restricting. I've found that when I put myself in a certain mindset, it comes so easily. When I decide beforehand that the answer is always "NO" when I say to myself, "One cookie wouldn't hurt..." or "Just a few chips...", I find that I do much better, and though its always in the back of my head, my immediate thoughts are not SO consumed with food. I just don't allow myself to think about it so much. Now, I'm well aware that this will probably only take me so far, and that eventually it might not work that way for me anymore, but for now, I'm sticking with what works.

I haven't eaten anything today yet, though I can smell breakfast food being cooked downstairs. It smells really good, which is why I refuse to leave my room until I'm sure all of its been eaten by my family. I'm not really thinking about it too much at the moment though because my mind is preoccupied with other things. My boyfriend called me this morning to tell me that he's going to the hospital. Something bad happened. He told me to just wait for him to call me and let me know what's going on, but it makes me really anxious. If anything ever happened to him, I really don't know what I would do. He's really the only person that knows who I am, and loves me anyway. He's so good to me. I hope he's okay.

I hope you all are doing well. Let me know, I'd love to hear from you...whoever you may be :)

Thinspo for you:

Bleeding Love

I'm finally updating again...I'll try to do better about it.

Last night was complete shit. I felt this compulsion all day to eat, just stuff my face and eat anything and everything in sight. But I fought it. Alllllll day I fought it so hard. I ended up eating about 600 calories...not a fantastic victory, but not a loss either. That was until my boyfriend called me. He's incredible, and nothing but good to me...but I, on the other hand, am a bitch.

Due to my intense desire for food, I found myself in a VERY crappy mood. So I picked a fight. I don't even remember what it was about, nor did I care at the time. I just wanted to be mad at him so I'd have a reason to go all emotional and binge. I just wanted him to let me get off the phone. And he did. And I binged.

It was a MASSIVE binge. The worst I've had in so long. I felt so horrible. And the worst part was, I couldn't purge. My younger sister was still awake, and she would've heard me. Unfortunately, she wouldn't have bought into my excuses either. "I'm sick...I don't feel well..." doesn't work on her. So there was nothing I could do to get rid of it.

And out of nowhere, this overwhelming feeling came over me, and I did something I swore I would NEVER do. I cut myself. I just did it. Without really thinking about it. And afterward, I sat there in awe...I couldn't believe I had just done that. And I still can't believe it. That's something I told myself I would never do, and if any of you really knew me, you'd never think I'd be the type to do it. Not only does it not fit my personality type, but I can't stand the sight of blood. Especially my own. But last night it didn't bother me at all. I'm still amazed and disgusted with myself at the same time.

Anyway....so today I've had 310 calories. And I'm done for the day. I'm going to go apologize to my boyfriend, and try to keep my grumpy ass in line.

Hope you're all doing well. Stay strong.

Thinspo for you:

Gaga

Sorry I haven't been updating lately. I've been a bit lacking in the motivation department. But I'm back now.

I'm going to be moving out of my house soon...hopefully. I moved home a few months ago after going through a rough break-up, and I am SO ready to get out of this house. I love my family and all, but they drive me crrrrraaaaazzzzyyyy alot. I'll be relieved to be on my own.

I've had around 190 cals. so far today. I'm going to try not to go over 300. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, thinspo for you: The lovely Lady Gaga